Looking out my window…

It’s been a week since I returned from Durham and I’m already planning another visit. 

Bella texted to check up on me, and I ended up calling her back and we were on the phone all night. If I can remember, I hung up the phone at 4:30 that morning.

Prior to that my longest phone conversation was with a US shipping agency trying to arrange for my Radiohead anthology album to be sent to my house. That took 20 minutes. This phone call went for 6 hours.

 More than anything I think we’re just great friends. She’s an amazingly beautiful person inside and out. I feel like she know’s me better that anyone in my life….the profound impact she’s having on me is quite unexpected. She’s kind of helping me get out of a slump that I was in for a while. Grappling with self confidence and stuff. The ush…                      She’s not judgemental in the slightest and I feel completely at ease when with her. This is something I don’t often feel with someone so early after meeting them. I’m typically a shy sort of person, people need to work at me for extended periods of time with a fine toothed comb to try and ‘crack the shell’. Probably explains why I only have a handfull of close friends. People just give up too easily. I suppose I don’t give them any reason to want to keep trying..

I’ve started to realise now that my biggest downfall is that once I finally allow people to get close to me, I don’t want to lose them. This probably explains my…somewhat melodramatic reactions to breakups and loss.

However. From the get go Bella has been nothing but open and so, overwhelmingly generous in her affections to me that she makes me feel….special. appreciated as a person. I’ve never really had that before.

  I think I might give her a ring, check up on how all the old fellas are holding up at the RSL.

   I’m at my desk. Alone, looking out my window. The sun is streaking in across the wooden blinds onto my face, warming me.

 

                                                          The thought of her warms me too.

Back Home

well. I’m back. and It all seems strange to me now.

   Mum asked how it went…and I think my response, an overtly enthusiastic “awesome” was a give away that something had happened. Something substantial. Not just enjoying my Grandfathers crustless egg sandwiches, but something else. I think all mothers know when somethings up. They are finely tuned into their children’s subconscious; knowing more about what’s flying around in their head than they do. 

Mum: “So…what happened?? Did you and Justin get up to any trouble?” 

Justin’s presence on the trip was of little significance to me.

J: ‘You could say that. We busted a tyre on the way down there. But a nice father and daughter team came to our rescue” 

I chucked to myself. 

M: “Well you seem really dazed. Why are you smiling so much? Someetthinnggg’s up” 

J: “No mum. Seriously, it was just a good break. I feel….fresh. If you get what I mean”.

M: “………………………………okkkk then”

hhaha…she seemed wary of my answer. She’s probably in the other room racking her brain trying to figure out what happened to me. Cause yeah, to a familiar onlooker, I guess I would appear more…. animated. Happy, I dare say.

Dazed

It’s 11:30. The night before I leave Durham. and I can’t bring myself to think of tomorrow.

I have to leave this place….before I’ve even settled in.

I have to leave the dried up lakes

I have to leave My Grandfather. I have to leave Bella.

  But it can’t be for long. I will be back. Oh yes.. I will be back. 

Oh yeah…forgot to tell you. She called back. She was out working with her father on the highway again….damn city slickers. But she wanted to see me, and suggested we go walk by the eastern ridge of the lake and watch the sun set over the hills. Let me tell you, it was amazing. The most breathtaking sunset I’d ever experienced, cause Bella was there with me. 

  I took this photo… I spun the camera around because I wanted to show (quite lame I know), that everything thenre was spinning. Even though she was sitting next to me, holding my hand, planting us in the ground. Our bodies were still, but inside I was running. 

    We kissed. And it was amazing. But mainly we talked. 

We’re so different, but she was funny. Interesting. She made me laugh and not many people can do that. 

I hope to see her again. I know I will…cause I won’t let her slip out of my life. Not like others in the past.

 

Bella is different and has made me a different person in the process of our meeting.

Night time meetings

We got to Durham at about 7:30 last night. and it was my Grandfather’s dinner time. He was taking us to the RSL for an introduction to the township that he had been a part of for so long. I think he was eager to show us off to his friends down at the club. 

   He’s sweeter than I imagined. When he greeted us it was if we had always known each other. Like he’d been there for every award ceremony, birthday, grazed knee. There was a feeling of connection. Of familiarity.

His house was nothing like I imagined. It was warm and inviting, with fresh flowers that he’d picked himself that morning from his small garden bed, sitting in a glass vase on the kitchen table. He had our lunch on the table, small sandwiches with the crusts cut off (how I liked them when I was 6) waiting for us. 

John walked us into the living area and we all took a seat on his various antique furniture. He obviously hadn’t gone shopping for new couches in over 40 years. That didn’t make it feel old and worn, but loved: full of life. 

  There was enough time for pleasant introductions, but then it was time to freshen up and head out for dinner. John had waited a lot longer than usual for his meal, and warned us that he’d get a bit ‘grumpy’ if he didn’t eat by 8.        We were racing against the clock. haha

    Justin and John went off to get ready while I quietly walked around, looking at his wartime spitfire aeroplane models and his massive archive of family history. He had every significant photo of mine and my sisters life since we were babies, placed triumphantly on his mantle piece, even though he hadn’t been there to experience any of it. Mum must have sent him all these…

   He showed me his prized ‘Wings’, given to him during the 2nd World War when he fought in the airforce during the War in the Pacific. He had sustained an injury to his leg when enemy artillery shot through the cabin of his spitfire and lodged into his leg. It gave him a limp, but when I asked him if it ever bothered him…he simply replied… 

  “It adds character”.    This man was so different to what I’d imagined him to be. I really wish I was staying here for longer. 

  Maybe I’ll make road trips to Durham a more regular occurrence. For more reason that one... 

On that note. I saw her again. 

 Behind the bar, with a tea towel folded over her shoulder. We met eyes from across the room and I knew she had been waiting for me. Or at least I hoped she had been. 

I was surrounded by a group of loud talking war veterans, all asking a million questions and trying to lead me this way and that to show me their photos that adorned the wall. They were all handsome buggers. Hopefully I get that manly soon.

   Bella laughed to herself as she watched me getting the ‘Grand Tour’ of the club, obviously she’d been given it a number of times before. 

  All night I was conscious of her watching me, and I couldn’t help but look back up and meet her eyes. She was wearing basic blacks but seemed to shine brighter than anyone else in the room (not hard when everyone else is 85+). But even if a bunch of playboy models had walked in at that point, I don’t think I would have noticed them. 

I couldn’t enjoy my meal because my stomach was flipping. I had to go and talk to her…so I excused myself from my grandfather’s party and made my way quickly across of floor. She was drying a beer mug, with a smirk on her face.

B: I see you boys didn’t drive into a ditch or anything? Glad you got back safely without our help again. Don’t think I could take another knock to the hand with a hammer again.

J: Ahhh….(nervously I laughed)..I’m so sorry about that. How is it feeling?

B: Oh it’s fine. Just a bit of a dent in my bone structure though. Oh well, it adds character.

I wonder why everyone keeps saying that?

We went on talking for a quite a while. I sat by the bar like one of her regulars while we discussed Durham, school, our life ambitions. You know…normal introductory topics. But I could feel a connection. Like I felt with my grandfather. But obviously on a different level. She was so different. 

  

I took this photo while at the bar with Bella accidently when pulling stuff out of my bag. I kept it cause I think it’s an apt illustration of what I was seeing last night. Nothing. Only a swirl of flashing poker lights, I felt dizzy so I couldn’t really focus on anything.

 Apart from her. 

Awakenings

Let me recap the day/ night I’ve just had while I sit around waiting for a certain phone call..

I’m Dazed

Ever thought you could meet someone that would suddenly render all others in comparison dull and lifeless? Someone so life changing in that one simple moment when you first meet that you forget all the ones that came before?

Well I have. And her name is Bella.

I know I’ve been going on about Claire, and you may think I’m just some fickle teenage guy whose main interest in life is his next ‘relationship’.

But this is something else.

Claire was my first girlfriend and I see now that it was just a friendly number of encounters. I mean…it wasn’t a deep, life-long relationship by any means. No boundaries were crossed between us. We didn’t leave a mark on each other and I think that’s why she found it alot easier to let me go (even though her recent ‘messages’ may suggest otherwise). We were just two people, in the same place at the same time. That rarely necessitates the foundation of a lasting relationship.  

…There has to be more than that that draws two people together.

Bella has waltzed into my life and knocked the wind out of me. Of all places, I did not expect someone like her in Durham (nothing against Durham of course).

She basically single handedly changed our tyre. Justin and her father were distracted with talks of impending storms and the history of the lake, so the job was left to her. And she was more than capable.

I kind of felt like an idiot just sitting there, so I wandered over to her and knelt down to her level as she crouched down by the tyre. 

 

Our conversation went as follows: 

J: Hey sorry about this

B: Ha ha, no problem. City boys are usually pretty incompetent at changing tyres. You’re not the first I’ve had to rescue.

J: Yeah, you do seem pretty experienced

B: Dad brought me up knowing the way of the land, it’s the only way a girl can survive out here. Plus I don’t mind working with cars.

Just then I move to readjust my self and my stupid foot knocks over her sturdy tool box. Everything falls out and a hammer lands on her hand.

B: Argh! You right there? Ouchie that really kinda hurts haha (or something along those lines)

J: Oh jeez (could I have been any more lame??) I’m so sorry, let me get those..

In my attempt to help clean up the mess, I open up a box of nails and they fly everywhere… idiot!

B: Ha Ha… bit of a clutz arn’t we?

I was such an idiot. I cringe just thinking about this..

J: Oh man, I’m so sorry. Is your hand ok?

Subconsciously I reach over and grab her hand, and it was like an electric spark was sent through my fingers tips.

    There was something in the way that she looked at me then. From underneath her eyelashes she looked up at me…almost mischievously. I couldn’t help but smile back. We seemed to be smiling at each other for what must have been a couple of minutes before she let out an embarrassed laugh.   I joined in.

And we must have been laughing pretty hard then cause Justin and Bella’s old man came over to see what all the fuss was about.  I started to help Bella collect her things and walked her back to the ute as the others followed.

I think this was one of those chance encounters that don’t come along very often. So I bit the bullet and made the most of it. I couldn’t just left her slip into the ute and consequently out of my life without at least asking for her name.

J: Us city slickers are going into Durham tonight. Do you um… (I was clutching at straws here)…know the best route to get there?

B: Well, there is only really the one main high way in Durham from here. Unless you want to take a scenic route. I’ve tried that and believe me, it’s tough going. I actually live in Durham. How long are you boys staying?

Lucky I asked then. The circumstances were in my favour it seemed.

J: Really? Wow, small world. Um were only here for two nights actually.

B: Well you have to pop on down by the RSL, I start my shift there in a couple of hours. It goes off on a friday. All the old fellas come out for a night on the town. 

J: Ha Ha, sounds great, we might just do that. Thanks.

B: Cool, well I might see you round then. Hopefully you boys get there without us having to rescue you again. 

J: It’s a good excuse to bust another tyre.

I must have sounded like an idiot. My lame attempt at a ‘smooth’ joke.

B: Ha Ha…well drive safely. See you soon maybe. 

And just like that they were gone. Justin and I were left engulfed by a swirling ring of dust made by the accelerating ute as it sped off down the road. 

 

Phone call

This is a recording of the phone message I left Bella.

I have a feeling that I sound really nervous. Cause I was. I left that a few hours ago….she still hasn’t replied.

I’ve never felt like this before. Usually it takes months for me to work up any courage to talk to a girl that I have a vague interest in…let allow ring up on the phone after just meeting them the day before. This isn’t like me.

And I like that.

She makes me feel like a different person. There’s something drawing me closer to her, and hopefully she feels it too. But no matter how I feel about her, I’m leaving tomorrow…and most likely won’t see her again.

 

She will be like a footnote in the boring novel that is my life. Her chapter in this story brought a short lived burst of excitment into my existance….and I don’t want her to leave. But it’s looking like she will have to.

On the Road again….I just can’t wait to get on the road again.

Justin and I sat by the look out, gazing out over the wide, flat land. When all of a sudden I felt the pulsation of my vibrating phone, moving against my hip. I whipped out my phone, revealing the words “1 New Test Message Received”, the little screen flashing a deep shade of blue. I flipt it open, and to my shock and raw confusion it read

“Hey Jules. How’s it going? um…havn’t seen you round lately. Kinda miss ya. ps..Happy birthday for the other day. Sorry I missed it. From Claire.”

Lucky justin was there to punch me in the side when I raised my thumbs to start texting a rebuttel. I don’t know what came over me. Look….i’ll admit it here, claire has constantly been at the back of my mind. It’s something that I can’t control. It’s not in a weird, obsessive and neurotic kind of way. I just don’t want her completely out of my life? I don’t believe in cutting off ties completely just because someone in a relationship wants to “meet new people”. But the way she’s been ignoring me, doesn’t warrant my kind of sympathetic approach to the situation.

I took a deep breath and  looked out once again over the land. The colours of the sky and the long deep shadows over the ground had seemingly changed dramatically in these short few seconds.

I’m thinking to myself…. This dried up lake bed is much like the human existance. Ever changing, fragile yet volitile. Fragile in the sense that, like the lake, can dry up or change so swiftly and dramatically that it changes the course of events and circumstances in your life so profoundly, that nothing is ever the same again.

Change is what comes with life.

With the soft blow of the wind, things can change. People can change. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Claire acted in a way that showed her true colours, and was now attempting a reconciliation. Should I take the bait? Should I accept her hand in friendship once more, or move on with my life.

I don’t know. But I think for now I just won’t reply to her message…(give her a little taste of her own medicine, even though that’s a bit harsh). But there you see…a plain example of the volitile and sometimes revengful nature of people. I want to rise above it, but I don’t want to by pushed around by her either.

I’ve got my dignity to defend.

      The roadside assist has just turned up. A tall, weather-beaten man has stepped out of the truck. It’s a rusty old ute, it’s probably seen countless years of hard labour around this arid landscape, but it still appears mighty and strong in the face of our small, city-style sedan. As I’m just collecting my things, Justin has gotten up and greeted the guy with a friendly handshake. It’s getting dark now, and he’s saved us in the nick of time. I’d jump up into his arms in gratitude if I didn’t think he’d slap me down to the ground…

   But hang on a second. The man shouts out in his rough voice…

    ”Oi bellz….can u bring me out the jack and tools. And check their tyre diametre to see if we’re got their type in the trailer”.

Slowly the front door of the ute creeks open. I can only see the faint shadow of a petite framed person in the front seat. I hadn’t noticed anyone there before when I was checking out the truck. A slender, jean clad leg slips out from the truck and lands with a soft thud on the ground…sending a whirl of dust particles in the air.

I raise my eyes cauiously to meet her face, but she’s turned before I can see it. I’m watching as she bends over the trailer, lifting up the protective covering. She’s leaning into it, almost toppling over the side in her attempt to find said “tools”, for her what can only be assumed is her father.

She has long brown hair, tied messly into a low pony tail, with a few loose bits hanging out…so I can’t quite make out her face. She’s small, but I can tell just by looking at her that she could probably take me out with one quick punch to the face. She’s a harden country girl…not one of these flickle city-slicker ladies. Maybe I’ll attempt to introduce myself, if I don’t trip and land in the dirt on my way. Typical.

Stranded

I’m writing this blog from the ‘comfort’ of a roadside pitstop….in a desolate expanse of rural surroundings. I look out the dusty window and can see nothing for miles; the horizon seems hazy, which adds to the illusion of nothingness. The car justin was driving, conveniently busted a tyre. so now we’re stuck. About two hours drive from Durham. From my grandfather who will most likely be expecting us.

Justin’s just called the local roadside assist. But they said ‘expect a long delay in our arrival’. Who knows where they’ll be coming from. Justin’s just gone for a walk long the viewing platform, it looks out over the dried up lake. It’s been emptied for centuries I think. It so barren here, but there’s something magestic and captivating about this landscape. It’s so raw and rough, I don’t find it ugly or boring. All landscapes, whether lush and green, or dry and red, are all worthy of admiration. I’ll join him out there a bit later.

For now, I’ve found a desk to write my blog at. I brought my lap top, cause it’s a must. Don’t think I could go on an extended break without it. I’ve got my head phones in and i’m listening to Achilles Last Stand by Led Zeppelin. A 10 minute epic adventure. It’ll help to pass the time.

Clouds are starting to mass around us. You can also taste the humidity, it’s so thick.

Nup. nothing in here will aptly distract me. If help doesn’t come soon…..there will be hell to pay.

This is me right now. Not impressed.

I just want to be in Durham already..

packing

List of stuff to pack for road trip

• clothes I suppose. it’s early spring so like a few jackets, T-shirts.
• FOOD.
• sneakers

I feel like I’m forgetting something… I’ll probably get there and have no underwear.

we leave tomorrow. Justin’s offered to take his car, but we’ll take it in shifts driving. It’s a 5 hour drive….hopefully it’s worth the effort.

Durham sounds like a quaint little country town. we’re probably going to be it’s only 2 visitors for the year. The connection I have with this quiet place is that is it the birth place, and home of my grandfather, John Benton. I haven’t seen him since I was 6 years old, when he came up to the city for my grandma’s funeral. He’s sort of a reclusive man, keeps to himself. I see where I get it from…

Now that I think about it, I’m really anticipating this meeting. I’ve never had a close knit family, you know those ones in movies where the grandparents hold an annual family gathering, with their various children and their partners, and their children…and then those children’s children. Ours is not like that at all.

And it’s never really bothered me.

I have my mum, dad and my older sister who still lives with us…and I think that’s enough. I don’t have this deep desire to be surrounded by a bunch of bickering relatives, who constantly devalue each other, squabble about finances…’whose got more money?…. I’ve got no money!….lend me some?’ etc. families only use each other for a free feed once in a while.

Think I’m a tad cynical. And I’m not going to apologise for it.

But, it would be cool just to get to know the guy. As a person, not just as my grandfather. There’s something about old men that upsets me. The idea of them sitting alone, on the end of their small bed, in a room filled with washed out photos…reminding him of a life well lived, but now is alone. The ones that were important to him are gone and no one remembers him. He’s just waiting out the rest of his days…. and so am I.

we might have a lot in common.

 

The Doors of Perception

The guys came over today. I invited them, cause I’ve been feeling kind of lonely. They brought me birthday presents and I felt bad cause I don’t really feel like I deserve them.

 It was two more Door’s Cd’s for my collection. ‘Strange Days’ (1967) and ‘Waiting for the Sun’ (1968).

If I could come back as anyone I’d come back as Jim Morrison. or maybe Ray Manzarek. He had awesome mutton chops.

To do List.

 

1. Get Mutton chops
2. Read the Door’s of Perception (It inspired such an incredible band, which in turn inspired a generation…it has to be good)

 

 “When the doors of perception are cleansed, things will appear to man as they really are, infinite.”

-Aldous Huxley

Wise words, man.

   The End is such an awesome song. I love the beginning. So dark…and so ominous how it starts off so soft and almost hypnotic… finishing in such an amazingly violent manner.

  watch all 10 minutes of it.. It’ll blow your mind.